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JESSICA STILLS

SWEET SURRENDER

 

When I was first offered the opportunity to write a blog on sex for J’mamuse I was ecstatic. This was perfect for me. There I was, a bi woman, recently single (after a decade of monogamy) ready to rediscover herself sexually. Why wouldn’t I want to write about the very things that I was exploring? I thought I would start by writing about a conversation I had with a friend about dirty talk. I considered myself to be very open about sexual subjects with my friends and even acquaintances, (much to their discomfort at times I’m sure) yet, this felt different. I read it over and realized I had put myself in a place of being an authority on the subject. Even though I have enjoyed this type of sexual play in many of my relationships, I felt myself question:

Who the hell do I think I am to give this advice? I’m not an expert in dirty talk by any means. I’m not sure exactly how one becomes an expert on dirty talk, perhaps an online course?

The crippling self-doubt had crept in. Maybe someone more experienced than me should be writing this blog. I was in full blown panic mode as it became apparent that people were going to read my posts, try the things I suggest and know EXACTLY what I’m interested in.

I stared down at the screen, fingers poised to type, I felt like I was standing naked in front of a new lover that I desperately wanted to please. I decided there’s two ways this can go… I can stand here, focused on my physical flaws and uncertain if I’ll be able to bring my partner to orgasm or… I can surrender to my desires.

For me, confidence isn’t a matter of having a lack of doubt, it’s when my yearning for something outweighs my fear of not getting it.  I think this applies to all aspects of my life, not just sex.

I decided the fellow traveler approach to writing a sex blog is the best (and most honest) way to go about this. In fact, I find it’s the best way to go about sex as well.

So I offer myself to you, naked on this screen, with a deep desire to share my sexual discovery journey, as it were. I will be vulnerable. I will have moments of naivety which I will unabashedly admit to.

I want your feedback on likes and dislikes as your own thoughts and emotions will shape my experience as well. I hope to share some laughs because awkward moments make for the best humour and we are all human here. Basically I want to take you to bed…

… in metaphorical sense.

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